BY OLIVIA MONTJOIE
We all know what Gluten is. Let me take that back. We have all heard of Gluten.
We found out that half of Hollywood was allergic to the G word and your local corner shop has added a row just for that. But most of us have no flipping idea what gluten actually is. It seems like Gluten is everywhere, making us fat, and ruining our lives.
So here’s a Gluten for dummies sum-up:
“Gluten is created when two molecules, glutenin and gliadin, come into contact and form a bond. When bakers knead dough, that bond creates an elastic membrane. Gluten also traps carbon dioxide, which, as it ferments, adds volume to the loaf. (…)For people with celiac disease—about one per cent of the population—the briefest exposure to gluten can trigger an immune reaction powerful enough to severely damage the brushlike surfaces of the small intestine.” Explains the Newyorker. “You can find it in a lot of things like bread, pasta and cereals. (…) For many people, avoiding gluten has become a cultural as well as a dietary choice, and the exposition offered an entry ramp to a new kind of life. There’s a travel agent who specializes in gluten-free vacations, and a woman who helps plan gluten-free wedding receptions.” continues the journalist.
I think it’s fair to say that the reasons this gluten free diet works is it’s daunting and restrictive, it stops you from eating burgers and pasta. You are drawn to eat fresher, healthier stuff. Hence the weight-loss. No SHIT JOSE.
Basically, the Gluten free diet is perfect for attention-seeking freak people that love to overcomplicate meals. “The culinary villain” is to blame for almost everything, and very efficient if you want to break everyone’s balls at a restaurant.
If you want more info please read this article from the Newyorker. It has everything you want to know. http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/11/03/grain
“The moment it leaves your fork, protein starts winnowing your waistline. High-protein foods take more work to digest, metabolize, and use, which means you burn more calories processing them. They also take longer to leave your stomach, so you feel full sooner and for a longer amount of time. The cumulative effect has obvious benefits for anyone who is watching her weight.” explains Womenshealthmag.com. But once again, we said we want to tell the truth- not what Women’s Health mag says. Basically the protein diet means that you only eat white chicken breast. If you look into a models bag you shouldn’t be surprised to find a Tupperware filled with stinky pre-cooked chicken breast.
Only eating chicken sounds just as boring as it is.
You can find more information on The miracle Irish Potato diet 0 drop 21 pounds in two months on a website called Irish central. Is there more to say? Oh yes , you can also visitwww.20potatoesaday.com
“If you’re looking for an easy way to optimize your diet, go for color.” explains Health.com.
“Orange and Yellow: The body converts the beta-carotene in carrots, mango, sweet potatoes, and other similarly shaded foods into vitamin A, which promotes good vision.
Purple and Blue: Anthocyanins, antioxidants that may inhibit tumor growth, boost cognitive function, and fight heart disease, are found in eggplants, radishes, and berries.
Red: Get lycopene, linked to lowered risk for prostate, lung, and stomach cancers, from tomato, pink grapefruit, and watermelon.
Green: Zucchini, along with leafy greens and basil, is a good source of lutein and zeaxanthin, which may prevent eye disease and stroke.”
explains an other website.
It’s very Biennale, very Sophie Calle and you can colour coordinate with your outfit. What’s not to like.
We all have that one friend who decided to do the juice detox diet. You get delivered a box of liquid meals. You have to drink one bottle in the morning, one at lunchtime and one in the evening. I have actually dated someone who tried it out.
As an external witness, these are the effects. First you get very grumpy (being hungry always makes me grumpy too). Then you lose energy. Funnily enough a lack of solid food is quite tiring. Then hopefully you start feeling So much better. Hopefully. I am not quite sure of the actual benefits of this diet (for more than a week detox) but I am not surprised not eating actual food makes you skinnier. I’ve heard that solid is so overrated anyway.
Instead of buying microwave-ready meals, switch to baby food. I always like to think about this as a bird diet. Like the mother seagull pre-chewing the food for its babies. My friend lived with a chick that filled their fridge with all sorts of baby food. I don’t think they ever shared a meal but I do remember her being pretty fit.
This is probably my personal favourite. The idea is that you have to eat your food in tiny recipients with tiny cutlery.
Like Polly-Pockets.
According to some diet guru it affects your perception. Seeing a full plate makes you feel like you are eating a lot.
You might look ridiculous. But really, it’s quite smart.
Also please check the mini food cooking channel on youtube, its mesmerizing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE_fIxrP_SQ
I’ve lived in Paris for a few years. I have been the silent witness of a LOT of fashion weeks sitting at the cafe de Flore. That’s when I got the real secret. the real one. It’s called the Liquid Dinner Diet. A smart mix of Vodka Sodas with Lime (AkA a skinny bitch), cigarettes and cocaine will make you forget about meals. You can spend days on that diet. Perhaps slip in an apple or a sushi now and then and you know you will be fit, not hungry and got damn cool as a Parisian too.
Maybe if you want to lose weight the plan should just be to not eat (that’s a joke obviously), but let’s be honest, if you see really really skinny people, they don’t have a trick or an actual diet. They just don’t eat and that’s the truth. A 1m90 healthy woman does not weigh 52 kilos. They can tell you all they want about metabolism, about healthy meals, about all of the above diets and 3 times a day training but for most of them it’s just not that.
Nothing works as much as ordering food and sneakily pushing food around the plate, making little mountains of food and dropping your fork and knife 5 minutes later on the plate, hiding the food underneath a napkin with a sigh, screaming “WOOOWwww I’m full”.
It can also help if you drink a lot of coffee and take cocaine.
Now we get to the real deal. If it’s an urban legend or not it doesn’t matter. This story needs to be told. It puts the Die in the Diet. (God that’s a bad joke). Anyway.
Two English back-packers -imagine red haired dreadlocks and Birkenstocks and a set off for a trip to India. They thought they would work summer bodies in New-Delhi before getting their lobster shine on on the beaches of Goa. Now is when the stroke of genius happened. What better way to lose weight quickly than to get a good old traditional tourista. We all have had a good gastroenteritis and found out that one of the highlights after those days of pain were how fit we looked into our bathing suits. So here are our two English girls on their way to the Delhi market: barefoot. – If you think this is already gross maybe you should stop reading now because it doesn’t get better.
Back in their hostel they have the bright idea to lick each other’s feet – I told you it was gross. So they got ill. Very ill. And they died.
It’s pretty funny and pretty sad at the same time.
There are a couple of life lessons here.
1. Do not lick your foot. That’s just gross and silly.
2. If you are ready to make your body endure such pain in order to look good on the beach it’s probably not worth it. Hasn’t Disney told us that we should be loved for what we are?
3. Food should not be a cause of so many troubles. Being your healthy self is good. Trying to look like Iza Goulart is absurd. The above list is the reality of all those models and seriously doesn’t sound fun.
And here at Unemployed we like fit people but we like raclette better.
234 Cambridge Heath Road,
London E29NN
Uk
Number one for a reason. A 3 Floored strip bar in Bethnal Green. I use to live right around the corner so I use to be quite the regular. The ground floor is your typical layout, but with the longest pole I’ve ever seen that stretches though to the second floor. I saw this very patriotic tattooed english stripper covered in english flags and lions etc climb to the very top of the pole, then slide at lightning speed but stopped about a foot from the floor. It was terrifying. On the second floor is one of the greatest things I have ever seen in a stripbar. There is this real convertible glittery pink sand jeep/buggy parked in the corner of the room. First, what you do is choose 3 girls. Then you get handed super soakers before entering the jeep. The girls come out in towels and then get naked and start washing the car. Soap stubs and rubbing boobs on the windscreen, the whole nine yard. You get to spirt the girls with the super soakers anywhere but the face!
The third floor is a tropical tikki themed layout with individual palm tree roofed booths and the entire floor is covered in sand. A real treat!
131 N la Cienega Blvd
Los Angeles
CA 90048
This bar is number 2 in our top 10 because it is so consistent, it’s like going to Starbucks. It’s not particularly special but the girls are very enthusiastic and usually pretty hot. They’re naked, so no alcohol unfortunately as it’s the united states. The competition between the girls is pretty high so the private rooms can be pretty crazy.
1089 Grand street
Brooklyn
NY 11222
This place is brilliant. It’s a different set up/look to your normal strip bar. The girls are fresh, unlike the typical stripper that looks like time stopped after 1985. You can expect a lot of tattoos, goths and hot girls that you could see being your girlfriend or that you might meet in a normal bar. The music is ace and all the girl dance behind the main bar – if you want a private dance, then all you need to do is ask!
34-48 Steinway St
Long Island City
NY 11101
I was taken here by a friend and it was the first time I ever really experienced what it was to “make it rain” My friend changed about $1000 dollar into $1s and started throwing them into the air. Within seconds we are jammed into this booth with about 7 big booty strippers. This place is a “booty club” – they don’t strip like normal strippers, its just a lot of twerking and booty bouncing. The girls are rude puerto rican and black girls, all curvy with bubble butts. One girl was dressed like a gang member with a bandana. After a while, it all felt a little weird. I left with a graze on my stomach from where my belt buckle had been rubbing me. I got friction burn from all the strippers twerking on me. Not sure if i was into it at the time, but it certainly made me want to go back… just to double check.
59 Murray St
New York
NY 10007
The first strip bar I ever went to. I visited New York for the first time when I was 19. My mate took me to New York Dolls and I had my first lap dance from a stripper who, in my mind, looked exactly like Elle Macpherson! I couldn’t believe that for $10 I could see her naked. I guess you can say that from this point onwards, I was hooked.
3247 S industrial Rd
Las Vegas
NV 89109
I was in this band when I was 20 year old and we shot a video outside Las Vegas at a spot called Shellys Ranch. On our night out, we met a casino manager who promised us the time of our lives. I recall he said “tonight everything is free”, and after a bit of gambling, he took us to Deja Vu. We were given the full VIP treatment when we arrived including the full tour of the club. The private rooms where themed: there was ‘the jungle”, “heaven”, “hell”,”the moon” etc. For some reason, I gravitated towards “heaven”. I was graced with this crazy dance by this unbelievably flexible stripper. She climbed all over me, and I remember the strong scent of peach seeping from her pores. Oh, and she had a pierced butt hole.
That night we had a sort of “lock in” at the club and just got hammered with the strippers. There were three poles on the stage and I bet a stripper I could beat her in a pole climbing competition. It was about who could get to the top first. It was me, a stripper and a guy who worked at my record label. Weirdly, the stripper came last and I was second.
6 Harju street
Talinn
Estonia
This was one of the most memorable strip bars I’ve been to in eastern Europe. Simply because of the calibre of girls. They were so beautiful. I got a dance from this gorgeous stripper and all she wore was a pair of pistol heels.
1336 Ravine Road
Kalamazoo
MI 49004
These two strip bars literally face each other. One is topless and one is naked. The idea is you get drunk in the topless one and then walk straight into the naked one. Which is exactly what we did. They have this thing called “adventures in boobyland” where there are naked cowgirls and naked ping pong shooters :()
62 Glenthorne Rd
London W6OLR
UK
Mary and I had a random night here once. It was completely empty. Secret has a twist to the normal strip bar experience. A little bit of lap dancing went on but we ended up becoming friends with these two strippers. The super hot one latched onto Mary and I was landed with the other who was a little on the heavy side and had this unavoidable smell of toilet paper.
Corner of Orchard Rd and Claymore Rd
Singapore
I’d heard rumors of this place and we found it when we were playing in Singapore last year. It is what it is- four floors of whores. Floor levels of different strip bars, all full of prostitutes. Weirdly we ended up on the lady boy floor but non of us indulged.
